


february seventh (i'm seeing you)

by kiramreid



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Baby Names, Dorks in Love, Dungeons & Dragons References, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Kissing, Long-Distance Relationship, Love Letters, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Pregnancy, Snapshots, Spencer Reid Gets a Hug, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, True Love, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:14:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29267067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiramreid/pseuds/kiramreid
Summary: Y/n and Spencer's relationship collide around a single day: the one where they first looked into each others eyes.[Or, the all of the secret love letters they wrote during the beginning of their relationship]
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Kudos: 10





	february seventh (i'm seeing you)

**Author's Note:**

> Have fun!! I wrote this in a day (based off of months of pre-written things)

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Jan 15 (2008) 11:31_

Not sure if you'll ever read this but, je suis amoureux de toi.

I love you, so much. It’s almost maddening 

Sometimes, I just sit at my desk, thinking about you, thinking about us. You've stolen my heart and made a home in my mind. I love the idea of our future and I can't wait for it. I want to share everything with you; a last name; a home; a bed; a family; everything (except a toothbrush, that's a bit too close, sorry!)

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Jan 15 (2008) 11:55_

I can't wait to touch you, to hug you, kiss you, run my hands through your hair or wrap my arms around your hips and hold you close to me.

I can't wait to wake up next to you, to dance with you, to just be with you. I want to spend the rest of forever with you. I want to listen to your voice, to hear you talk about nothing in specific, just speaking so I hear your beautiful voice. Even if I’ve never heard it, I know it’s beautiful.

I can't wait to grow old with you. I hope the last thing I see before nothingness is you, your perfect face.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Jan 26 (2008) 22:22_

This feels awkward to admit.

I usually consider myself smart, or at least good with words but with you in the picture, all English escapes me; with just a thought of you, I can barely manage a sentence, you get me so flustered I can't even think properly.

Though I'd be a damn liar if I said I didn't like the way you make me feel.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 7, (2008) 04:10_

Y/n L/n, I want you to be my forever, I love you more than anything (even math and that says a _lot_ ).

I'm not feeling great right now which makes it hard to think of the words I'm trying to say but that won't really stop me.

You're like the vowels to my consonants, you may not feel like a lot but you're so fucking important. I want to wake up next to you, your pretty freckled face - have I mentioned I love freckles? - holding each other, our bodies tangled together, and someday having to break apart to check on our children.

I want to just exist with you, I don't care what happens as long as I'm with you. I want to dance around our kitchen at midnight, in only underwear just because, it won't matter, it's our lives and we're together. I want to just talk to you, maybe sitting on a roof at two in the morning, staring at the sky and not caring that it's out of reach because the only thing I want to touch is the person next to me.

Y/n, you are my tomorrow and I can't wait for you to be my today.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 7, (2008) 11:20_

I saw you smile today, like for real, in person. It was the most beautiful sight I've ever experienced. It made me feel like the most important thing in existence, it was perfect and for that moment, everything was okay, nothing mattered but you.

I didn't think I could love you more than I already did, I wasn't sure it was physically possible, and then I saw you, in person, in the town I've lived since I was 22, in the convention center I'd been so many times before.

With you sitting here the place feels important, this place is special. You're right here, right now and I've never been so happy.

I'm so nervous, but I'm happy, I mean you're here, this is all real, and god you so much more than perfect.

I can tell you really love DnD because the second I walked into the hall, I saw you were smiling.

This is honestly just a room full of nerds but that's cool, everyone's happy to be here, and I’d be the biggest liar if I said _I_ wasn’t a nerd.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 7, (2008) 19:50_

I spoke to you, it took way too long, longer than I'd like to admit, but I did it.

I hugged you today, I made you smile. I wanted to kiss you, properly. I was too nervous though, I was scared. (Touches are scary enough as just a thought!) I also knew that if I kissed you it'd just make us both even more upset about being apart again. I'm so glad I got to spend almost half of the day with you, it was amazing.

We sang together and I've never felt so comfortable than in those moments, reciting poetry with you was probably the best part of my day aside from you kissing me . We also laughed together a lot and you let me lay on your shoulder, I almost fell asleep twice. It was really nice, just being with you, even though we weren't even close enough to touch each other most of the time.

I can't wait to see you again, I might count the days!

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 8, (2008) 01:33_

I have to admit, when I first caught a glimpse of you, I only saw your hair.

The back of your head from maybe thirty feet away.

I saw your hair, and everything slowed down, I moved forward, I can't remember how fast- that part's a bit of a blur- I got closer and my whole body froze up, maybe I was still a little cold, but I couldn't bring myself to move, kind of glad my scarf covered half of my face. I watched, seeing more and more of you as time passed, just small glimpses of your adorable face, and it felt like every part of my body was on fire.

My heart was racing and I couldn't believe it, this was real, I was real, you were real and we were mere seconds away from each other, finally.

I turned around and walked out - I was overheating in my sweater – and I came back to keep watching you. This was around the time you, I think, actually noticed me, but you weren't the only one. They knew I was looking for you - well, looking at you, really. They asked questions and I gave half-witted, half-baked responses, still watching you then you looked at me, you smiled. My heart stopped and for a moment, I thought you'd killed me, with your stunning looks, obviously. I smiled back when I was finally self aware again, and next thing I know, I'm sitting two feet away from you, and shaking.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 8, (2008) 20:20_

I'm starting to think I'm obsessed with you, that I'm addicted to you, anyway. That’s a bit of a problem, I’ve told you about Dilaudid so you understand why.

You asked me to sit with you and your party, I had already decided that I wanted to, and I was going to try to, I had just really wanted to be close to you, I wanted to touch you, you were so close but so fucking far.

I wanted nothing more than for you to steal my first kiss, though I knew I wouldn't mind if you didn't, I'm an impatient person, I'm perfectly okay going your speed, whatever that may be. I will say honestly, it wouldn't be my first kiss. My true first kiss was in a pool, truly against my will. I’ve erased what I can from that and will regard the first time my lips are on yours as my first kiss.

I didn’t just end up with your party, I was a part of it. I played your character (bee-da), and I used the dice set you gave me. I was excited but I also felt the fatigue setting in. I started shifting closer to you, moving my body closer to yours. I fought to hold in a whine when you'd move in your seat, making it a bit harder for me to do what I was trying to do.

I offered you a hug, it was kind of selfish, I was truly asking more for myself than I'd like to admit. You said yes and I felt the weight on my heart disappear. I hugged you and I felt okay. It's a feeling I'd sacrifice my life to feel again. I laid my head on your shoulder and I felt you shift for me, you made sure I was comfortable, I'm not sure if you even realized you'd done it.

I was only growing more tired as the afternoon continued, I knew why (I hadn't been eating, at all, really) but I wasn't going to tell you. I began to doze off a few times, it was difficult trying to stay awake while feeling more comfortable and safe than ever before. 

I just wanted you.

All I want is you

All I've wanted for a while now, is you

I want you so badly. In so many ways.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 9, (2008) 08:08_

I love you

The words I felt on the tip of my tongue for hours before I actually said them to you. I really wanted to, I wanted to sit next to you, mumble 'I love you' so quietly that it was just for your ears and kiss you, so that everyone saw. I didn't and I'm kind of upset with myself but I didn't want you to be uncomfortable, you'd just said you were so nervous.

I watched you eat, you didn't seem to eat much so I hoped you'd been eating before I got back. I wanted right then as we sat across from each other to announce it, so all of your friends could hear (or at least some), and say 'i love you'. I didn't, I was scared, I was nervous, of making you uncomfortable.

When I sat next to you, I still wanted to say it, I wanted to sing it, to shout it, anything and everything I could to show you just how much I love you. I tried to force the words out, they wouldn't come and for the first time in a while, I was upset with my anxiety. I kept looking at you and glancing at you, hoping it wasn't obvious that I was so upset. I want to smash my head into the table but I _knew_ you'd notice that.

When I finally said 'I love you' the satisfaction was so great, it's indescribable. You said it back and I felt so good, I don't know why it felt so different feeling you say it, right next to me, but it was. I wanted to keep saying it, 'I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you' I didn't, I was scared to annoy you.

I wanted to kiss you, so many times that day, that still perfect day. When I first saw you, part of me wanted to run over and pull you into my arms and kiss you. I didn't, I didn't want to be the one to _make_ a scene. I wanted to call out to you, I wanted to shout, "Y/n!" I wanted you to see me, to hear me, but I chose to wait.

When I was sitting near you, I wanted to turn around and press a kiss to the back of your head, I kept turning around, trying to force myself to do it. I never did. When we were centimeters away from each other, I wanted to press a kiss to your cheek, to your neck, your nose, your lips. I was scared of someone seeing at that point. I was kind of scared of your friends, that's why I didn't talk much.

I wanted to be closer to you, I was already so close, I was touching you for half of the day, but I wanted to be closer, I couldn't help it, I was seeing you in person for the first time, you're even prettier in person, and you smelled so nice and it felt so familiar already even though I had never experienced anything like it.

I wanted you. I still do, I always do, you're just so perfect, how could I not?

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 9, (2008) 09:47_

You pulled my hair, I'd really wanted you to do it again. I– I had to bite my lip or I'd have definitely let out a **_sound_ ** , I honestly wasn't prepared for that and becoming- in front of your friends was _not_ on my agenda, actually. 

I can still feel it, the sensation of your hands reaching into my hair to run through it and tugging, I loved that feeling. And I would walk a hundred (and twenty) miles to feel it again, among everything else, I hope you know that.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 9, (2008) 11:15_

I love you so much it hurts.

I love you so much that it brings me physical pain to think about the fact that I can't touch you, the fact that I can't kiss you, the fact that I can't run my hands through your hair when I can't sleep at night.

It hurts a lot, but I know my patience and my pain will be worthwhile once I _can_ do it. When I can once again see your eyes gleam with a perfect kind of joy, when I can hold you, my arms around you, and yours around me.

I swear to the gods, as soon as I'm able I'm going to see you again, nothing will stop me, I will fight anything standing in my way.

I love you so much it hurts. It's a pain that'll make me stronger. I'm okay with that.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 9, (2008) 14:45_

This one’s a little different. I’m sorry

When Morgan called me to say we had a case, I got upset, he knew how excited I had been to be able to see you. I wanted to yell at him and I almost did, then I remembered where I was, and who was around me. A bunch of people who didn’t deserve to watch/listen to me have a mental breakdown down on the phone, so instead of arguing, for your sake, I just agreed.

I wanted to run out there and scream at him, but I knew I wasn't thinking. i was letting my emotions take over, so i didn’t. I went back and hugged you, one last time. I wanted to cry because I knew it wouldn’t last long enough. I wanted so badly to stay there and tell my mentor to fuck off, I didn’t. Maybe I should’ve. 

When I got back to my city, to my place of work, I just sat at my desk until we left for the airport. I didn’t even change. I’m surprised I didn't start crying. The relief I had felt from seeing you was gone and left behind was a frustration and want that had to have been tangible. I kept writing my next letter to you because it was my only comfort other than the lingering feeling of your presence and the memory of your scent. I ended up falling asleep on the jet, I can't remember when, I was too upset.

I woke up, some part of me expecting to be somewhere else, I just wanted to recover from the nightmare I’d had- I don’t know why it happened but it did and I wanted to cry, it felt disgustingly real. I just wanted someone to comfort me and tell me everything’s okay and that I’m safe. But I don’t have that. I’m sorry, the highlight of my day today has been writing to you and reading what you wrote.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 9, (2008) 15:45_

I’m so scattered right now, but I think about you and I feel okay. You’re not really _just_ my tomorrow anymore. You are my today _and_ my tomorrow, you have been the entire time, I’m just blind.. You’re my forever, and I love that. I keep getting lost in my thoughts thinking about you, damn, imagine if you were next to me, I couldn't possibly stay on track doing anything, you’re such a distraction. I love you.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 10, (2008) 09:10_

I have yet to actually tell you this and I feel kind of bad you're finding out this way but it's also the reason why I haven't told you about it.

A few weeks ago, my attacks had gotten worse and I've been fighting nightmares almost nightly.

Friday, I was really fucking nervous, I was partially convinced that you'd hate me when you saw me, you didn't though, that was relieving. I was literally shaking, I was terrified. When you said hi, as awkward as it felt and was, it made me feel less anxious. I felt bad when I left because I didn't want you to think I wasn't coming back.

I was trying really hard to seem like I wasn't about to cry but I was so anxious and I felt like it wasn't working. You didn't ask so I told myself it was fine, eventually, I was alright, it was really calming just being around you, and I liked that a lot.

I love you lots and I really hope I can come to see you on your birthday. If there is a case, I will see you as soon as I can.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 10, (2008) 12:12_

I had a dream

I'm glad I had it, it was nice.

I remember as I fell asleep I wished for the warmth and comfort of another human, specifically you, because I decided if I had to overheat I wanted it to be because I had my favorite person next to me. I was kinda disappointed in the gods when I woke up and you weren't there though.

I was dreaming that we were together, I've no clue where we were but we were in a bed, cuddling. I have no idea what led up to this moment, but I don't think I need to know. Your arms were around me, your hair was in my face and I could feel you breathing. It was amazing, you were talking to me, I can't remember everything you said, but there were a lot of 'I love you's and it was perfect. It was soft and warm and quiet and peaceful.

I can't wait for it to come true.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 11, (2008) 19:22_

When I was little, I wanted everything in my life to be big, beautiful and expensive. I wanted the perfect girlfriend (or boyfriend, I didn't care), a huge wedding, and a big family. So much has changed since then.

All I want now, is to be alive and happy with my better half, my soulmate, my perfect match. Whether that means listening to the stomping of small children early on a Saturday morning, being woken up by an impatient animal, or sleeping all day because it's just us, I want that happy, I want that calm, I want that perfect.

I want weird dates and long drives for no reason. I want stupid jokes and petty arguments. I want movie nights and warm cuddles. I want everything-

**_with you_ **

All of these things are things I can't imagine experiencing with someone that _isn't_ you. Whether it's waking up late and rushing to get ready (so cliche), arguing over what to make for dinner or saying our vows in front of everyone we love, I have to do it with you.

I don't want to imagine a world where we aren't us (regardless of who 'we' are), because that world isn't right, but this one is.

I like us. I like us a lot.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 12, (2008) 09:04_

My sweater still kinda smells like you. I'm wearing it today and I've just noticed. It's fading even as I type this and I don't think it'll last all day but it's comforting nonetheless. I hadn't touched it since Friday so it's lasted almost a week. I'm secretly so happy your scent has lingered, it's soft and warm and calming. (Like vanilla, you remind me of vanilla) I kinda hope I don't fall asleep at work.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 12, (2008) 09:20_

My mind is always buzzing– there's always so much happening, sometimes you can see it, in my eyes. There's one thing, only one, that's **_always_ ** on my mind.

You, Y/n L/n, _you._

Even if I'm sitting doing work or if I'm reading, you're here and there and somewhere in my mind. 

Sometimes you're the only thing I can think about, your soft hair, and eyes that shine so fucking bright; your warm smile and adorable laugh; your beautiful voice and perfect personality.

This is random but when you realized you were shorter than me you seemed so deflated and tried to stand on your tippy-toes and that was just precious. You had this look on your face and the way you laughed, the way your eyes lit up was just perfect.

Morgan says he’s going to New York in a few weeks. I've been asking if I could go with him because if I can't see you on your birthday, I want to at least see you again soon. And I don’t like driving. Or long train rides. 

Tu fais battre mon coeur.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 12 (2008) 15:30_

It's only like two days away so I want to ask

Will you be my valentine?

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 12 (2008) 17:00_

I've said some very bold things in just the past few months we've been together and I think I'm changing my mind about a few things.

I want to be a foster parent, just as much as I want my own children, because everyone deserves love.

I still don't want to try and adopt/foster babies, everyone does that, I want teens, kids who've spent years and the system because they need the most love.

I wanna know how you feel about that idea.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 12 (2008) 17:12_

I have a few things to say.

I was right, the smell definitely did _not_ last all day, it was gone by lunch. The flannel still reminds me of that smell though, so it's okay.

I really hope you like long rants with no particular point because sometimes I start talking and forget how to stop, especially if I'm comfortable around someone.

I've had casual conversions with my mother about you on a few occasions. She loves you and says I should run up to you this minute and carry you to my apartment. I think I’m going to listen to her.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 12, (2008) 18:18_

This isn't directly about you but that doesn't really matter, right?

So Morgan.

He keeps calling me straight

And if he does it again.

I will kick him.

Just letting you know in case it happens and Hotch yells at me. I love you! 

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 13 (2008) 02:40_

I shouldn't be awake right now but I am. As I sit on my bed, I can't help but think about how, if we were together, in the same bed, you'd probably be awake too by now. You'd be asking me if I was okay, I think, and I tell you the truth because I'm so bad at lying, it isn't even worth the try. You probably comfort me, pulling me into your body, wrapping your arms around me and probably kissing me. Just the thought makes me feel a little better but it's not happening, you know? You're not sitting next to me, you aren't kissing me and whispering, "I'm right here, it's okay." because that isn't true.

I just woke up from a nightmare, I can confidently call this a nightmare for two reasons, so I will. I was kind of panicking when I woke up because I was so fucking scared, I couldn't breathe (in more ways than one) and I was crying. It's disgusting and I'm still upset.

Thinking about you being here vs. not, makes it clear that I need you, so fucking much, I need you, Y/n. I love you, and I need you and I want you. It's making me crazy that I can't even say this to you right now.

Tu es mon soleil.

  
  


######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 14, (2008) 04:15_

I know, I know, my sleep schedule is terrible, I'm sorry lmao.

Happy Valentine's day, love, I'm so happy to be 'celebrating' with you, you're the best valentine and you're _my_ valentine.

Thank you so much for (almost) five beautiful months, I love you so much and I am so excited for forever together.

Though, right now, more than anything, I want to kiss every single freckle on your beautiful body, maybe even kiss them all two or three times.

I love your eyes. They shine as bright as stars.

I love your smile, the smile you had when you first noticed me is my favorite. Your lips, which I also love, part in a perfect kind of way and I love it.

I love your lips, the look of them, when you smile, when you're serious or when you frown; the feeling of them pressed to my skin, with the passion and feeling of your love for me. I love your lips, even if you don't.

I love your nose, it's adorable and I kind of want to kiss it; it's so adorable and I love that, you're so adorable.

I love your skin, the soft burning of it making contact with mine, the feeling when you touch me. I love everything about you, even the parts I don't know yet, I love even the idea of having the privilege of being able to love them.

So on this day of love, Y/n L/n, I love you so, so much, my heart is in your hands, do with it as you please.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 14 (2008) 15:40_

I like the name Y/n , I can't really explain why but I do. I really like the name Y/n.

I also like children more than I thought I would. I spent an hour at my JJ’s yesterday and my godson, Henry, he makes me think even more about having kids with you. **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 14 (2008) 15:55_

You asked me what type of pretty you are.

You're the best kind of pretty, honestly.

You're the kind of pretty that makes my heart melt.

You're the kind of pretty that makes my chest feel tight (in a good way, of course).

You're the kind of pretty that makes a bad day amazing with just one look.

You're the kind of pretty that just makes the world seem less than terrible.

You're my favorite kind of pretty

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 14 (2008) 20:33_

I should make this quick.

You are literally the most perfect part of my life, the only part of my life I hope **_never_ ** changes. You'd better be my forever because I can't ask for anyone better.

I'm stocking up on so many fucking hugs for you like, I can not wait to hug you again, my body craves it.

I have to go now.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 20 (2008) 11:25_

I haven’t been writing much, but there’s so much I want to say, even though I can’t find the words. This is so difficult. I know so many languages and yet they’re all gone with one thought of you.

Y/n L/n, you have invaded every single part of my mind, I’m more than okay with that.

The problem arises with the fact that I can’t stand not having some type of contact with you. It just feels wrong and I’m overly anxious and paranoid.

Y/n L/n, having you in my life is a gift, and it’s the best gift I've ever gotten tbh.

My mind can’t fully recall the sound of your voice when you said ‘i love you’, or the sensation of your touch (your kisses and hugs, my head on your shoulder) but it’s there, and I hope it stays, long after this moment.

It’s kind of embarrassing to admit but sometimes the reason I keep going is the possibility of you, with me again, no matter how far away that event may be.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 21 (2008) 22:25_

I hope your polaroid camera starts to work soon because getting pictures from you is my favorite thing ever. Morgan said I should just give you my number, but I enjoy what we have. Our letters are more than enough.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 21 (2008) 23:57_

It's really late

I may or may not have had a little bit of alcohol.

You're really pretty!!!!!

I may or may not be about to drink more of the maybe alcohol...

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 22 (2008) 14:40_

You sent me a CD. I put it in my player. I see you, you’re reading me _The Little Prince_ because you said I need something to listen to to sleep. It's the best book I've ever heard and hearing you read it makes it so beautiful, every word, it's all perfect coming from your mouth, with your voice from your lips. I could listen for literally forever. Y/n L/n you are my today.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Mar 2 (2008) 22:55_

I think about our future a lot. Usually it's good, sometimes it isn't. As with all things in life, there are details. Sometimes when I think about our future I'm only focusing on the things I know I want like, you next to me- with a ring on your finger and a smile on your face, or both of us, shopping and planning for a baby, obviously our first based off of how overly cautious we're being.

Anything like that, really.

Sometimes though, I think about what I don't know, like, where are we? what's our home look like? What are our future schedules and routines gonna look like? I know I'm overthinking (I always am) but I truly can't help it, it's something that just happens?

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Mar 7 (2008) 13:11_

I’m upset we haven’t been talking as much but that’s my fault, I knew what kind of commitment being an agent took, so I can’t really complain, I am sorry though. I think about you a lot though, sometimes it’s just ‘I hope Y/n’s okay’ ‘I hope Y/n’s smiling right now’ or something like that. Sometimes I just think about the sound of your voice, the feeling of your presence, or just you in general, you’re always there, always somewhere in my head, on my mind. If I’m not thinking about you, I’m probably not thinking at all.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Mar 7 (2008) 18:44_

Before you, I had convinced myself that love didn't exist, it wasn't something I'd ever truly felt. I thought fate was bullshit and I hated the idea of soulmates because I believed I'd never find mine. That is, until I saw your face. At that point, you were nothing more than a polaroid photo, stimuli sent from my retinas to my optic nerve. But I felt something new. Something changed, I didn't feel as cold anymore.

Before I met you, I had convinced myself, naively, that I'd be alone forever, that I'd never meet anyone who would put up with me long enough to learn to love me. And then you waltzed into my life and changed everything. It was surreal, you were too-good-to-be-true and I was as ready as I could've been for heartbreak. What I did experience was nowhere near as horrible as the feeling I get at the thought of losing you now. 

After I met you, I thought about it a lot, do soulmates exist? Until that point there'd only been one person I wished to be my soulmate (which was dumb, looking back now) but some part of me was drawn to you in a way I wasn't drawn to her. My feelings for you were different from my feelings for her.

When I'd convinced myself you'd never want me, I was hurt, I'd ever felt such pain, a deep physical pain, the kind you never forget. I guess it doesn't matter now, because that's in the past and I should move on.

I have you now, and god, I've never been so happy. You, Y/n L/n, are my soulmate and I'm so glad that we were made for each other. I couldn't ask for a better partner, future spouse, or soulmate. You are my everything and you give me purpose. You are my purpose.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Mar 9 (2008) 7:45_

I couldn't sleep last night, I was thinking about you and it kept me awake, I think. I tried distracting myself but I kept finding you everywhere. At that point, I just let it happen and eventually fell asleep.

I'm angry, angry that I don't get to see you, because god I love seeing your face (you are literally so fucking pretty) and I love being near you in general.

I'm scared, scared that I won't be able to see you, even when I physically can. I don't know why I just, I hate the thought but it won't go away, I just want to hug you. 

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Mar 23 23:47 (2008)_

It’s been a while since I did this- tomorrow’s your birthday and I’m pissed because I won’t get to see you, I can’t wish you happy birthday in person, shit I don’t know if I’ll be able to wish you happy birthday at all but that’s a whole other thing. Anyway, (here’s hoping you see this on your actual birthday-) HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Things might now be great right now but you’ve been alive for all this time and god I’m so proud of you for being so strong. You are amazing and I’m so happy I know you, I hope you’re birthday is fucking awesome, if not, I guess I’ll have no choice but to do everything I possibly can to make it better. I love you, Y/n L/n. 

That’s it. The decision has been made for me. I just got a call, see you in New York.

(it just turned midnight, happy birthday)

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Mar 24 (2008) 21:32_

I only saw you for a few hours but again it was perfect. Before I left I made up my mind to do something. Turning around I ran back to your door. You opened it up and were so confused but I didn’t care. My hands cupped your cheeks and I kissed you. I kissed you 15 more times after, and then I left for my hotel room. I left something behind though - it was on purpose - slung on your couch is my cardigan. I want you to wear it and think of me.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Mar 29 (2008) 09:48_

I'm not good with my words, shocking seeing as I'm a genius but it's true. I am terrible with my words, especially when it comes to you I just, my mind goes blank and I can't even form partially coherent sentences. That's probably why I suck at talking to you, I just can't think around you, I think it's because you're so perfect, I mean, it's true and it makes sense.

I got your letter today. You’re moving to DC. I don’t think I’ve ever been more crazed or excited. Everyone’s noticed it. I love you.

######  **_Y/n L/n—_** _Feb 7th (2020) 20:28_

I stopped doing this when you moved to me. Everything that could have been written was said to you.

You're different. You're changing.

It's not a bad thing, it was inevitable; I'm far from the person _I_ was three years ago. I'm just awful about adjusting to changes.

I like that you're different, it shows you're discovering yourself, you're turning out. Your changing as a person won't change how I feel about you because no matter what, you are so much greater than the sum of your parts and I think that's beautiful. I think you're beautiful.

I could never tire of you, as cliché as it is, I fall in love with you over and over everyday. I fall in love with every new and old part of you, because they're all so perfect.

I'd be lying (a terrible lie, might I add) if I said I wasn't thinking about you every moment of every day. I'm **_constantly_ ** thinking of you; Maybe wishing we were together, maybe wondering if you're thinking about me too, maybe hoping you're doing okay, maybe imagining our tomorrows, maybe thinking about your smile and how it shines brighter than any and every existing light source.

I rambled, yikes.

There’s something I want to ask and it’s years overdue (sorry.) After prison I found this and two years later I know what I want to do with it. I’m giving it to you, I’m fully giving my heart to you.

Look up, bumblebee. I’m waiting.

* * *

Y/n looked up. They had just finished reading Spencer’s journal, the one dedicated to them. Spencer was kneeling and in his hand was a small box, the dainty ring he’d gotten years ago from his mom sat in between the white. 

“Will you, Y/n L/n, do me the greatest pleasure by marrying me?” Spencer said with his anxiety showing through. Y/n gasped and threw themself at Spencer, wrapping their arms tight around him.

“Yes!” they cried, pulling away for Spencer to slide the ring on their finger. Then they took a deep breath. “Wait here.”

They disappeared into the two’s bedroom, rummaging through some things before running back with a black binder in hand. “It’s only fair if you see my unsent love letters, too.”

Spencer grasped it and flipped the binder open as Y/n guided him to the couch. 

“They’re in order but aren’t as neatly organized as yours - I stopped writing before you did, though.”

* * *

_**For Spencer Reid, february 8th 2008 10:17 am** _

It was yesterday, a little more than 24 hours ago at 6 am that I was on a bus. Tiny, white and cramped, but now I realize it was actually a ferry to the love of my life. Even though at the moment all I cared about was when I was going to get to stretch my legs next, it still buzzed with excitement because I was about to be in your city even if you didn’t come to see me, that would’ve been enough. Being three feet away from you is more than enough. Being Two inches away from you is bliss. But your head on my shoulder is nirvana. 

But then, only two hours after I had started my d&d campaign (the moon isles or something) there was an urge to look behind me. I tried to ignore it but I looked anyway.

What I saw _scared me_. Not because I’m afraid of you Spencer, but because I was scared of myself. I wanted to run to you and hug you, but I was too scared of scaring you away that I didn’t. My head seemed to spin as a second glance felt like a hundred years. Then a smile broke out on my face and I looked away. At first I didn’t think it could be you, I half screamed at the two people sitting on the left side of me. “Don’t look now, but my boyfriend’s here” of course they looked and Sophia told me that you were walking over here.

My insecurities flared up, but I remembered that you love me, even though I'm tired and probably covered in acne. She said you sat down behind me and I risked a quick glance, or two, or three times every two minutes. I tried to act as normal as possible even though if I looked back I would see the smile that lifted your cheeks when I looked at you. It was hard to focus on my campaign because it’s cliche, but I could sense you behind me and I was shaking. My friends were hyping me up to say Hi and I was trying to not scream. I ran to the bathroom, splashed water on my face and tried to calm down. I ran back, probably looking a little too excited. Ok, I was totally too excited. 

My campaign finished up, you caught me staring at you a few times and my friends told me you were looking at me anytime we all made a loudish noise. After that, you followed us to lunch, well, followed me. You stood beside me and I said Hi, you replied the same. Then you grabbed your stuff and seemed to have left. I visibly deflated, my one chance to see you and I missed it. Then you came back, with a takeout bag in hand and some fries. I didn’t mention it already but you looked adorable in your glasses, from afar they look too big for you but then you see the big warm eyes behind them. Your cheekbones are so nice and everything about you is handsome, even more than I could have imagined. Photographs don’t do you justice. I hoped you had liked your dice, I got the red and black ones but I was scared you didn’t like yours. 

You sat directly in front of me and my friends (Deriasia and Emma) immediately made fun of me and I almost died. At that moment. When you smiled and laughed. My friends gave us their blessing, which kinda fit because you were as tense as if you were meeting my parents. 

I asked you to sit with me during the next campaign and you did (we snuck you in without paying). You played with the first character I ever played (Bida the high elf wizard). I was almost too distracted to really compete in all the things, instead focusing on you. You let me use your journal to doodle, a weird eye and a girl. Did you notice me fiddling with my hands? If I didn't keep them busy I probably would’ve put my hands in your hair or grab your hand. I remember you asking me if I needed a hug. I said yes and I think that hug is the most important one I've ever had. You laid on me and I didn’t care what my friends would say, all that matters was you.

My skin in two weeks will not remember the feel of your hair, my lips will not remember your cheek, but my brain forever will. At that moment, physical immortality is not as important as the immortalization of those touches.

They linger in my head, fuzzy and soft on my skin but they’re there. 

I remember you telling me not to buy you anything (i still got you a resin skull magnet and dice) I remember flirting with you, i remember it all. I remember how you know all of Sappho’s poems and fragments, I want to remember everything about you. I know I won’t, you’re the one with the crazy good memory, after all.

I wish I would’ve looked in your eyes and told you that I saw _you_. I wish I would’ve pressed my lips to yours, but then again there’s always next time. And next time I will, even if it’s right in front of the whole world. Because I love you. I really fucking love you and everyone can suck it. I love you. 

And I think that’s all that matters. 

____

I have waited almost six months to hold you in my arms, and now I wait longer. I hate myself, I didn't hug you. I should’ve.

I didn’t tell you I love you enough, I didn’t kiss you properly. I wish I did.

Currently my arms ache to hold you, my eyes burn to see you and my lips yearn to touch yours. I can’t wait to indulge myself in thousands of kisses, I hope they are as sweet as your skin. Kinda licked my lips after kissing your nose, cheek, and right under your neck. You taste sweet, I think I'm addicted. 

I still feel the ghosts of your touch on my skin, I love it. I love you. I want to have your actual skin under my fingertips, to hold you when you wake up from a bad dream, to dance with you under the stars. Decide what song is ours and argue over how cheesy it is. Cry on the day we say our vows, cry at the birth of our first child, cry when they go to school, cry when they grow up, cry when I realize that we did it. I can’t wait to have life with you.

If there’s such a thing as soulmates then the word was made to describe us. 

I love you.

____

I fell asleep, I woke up right before you texted me. I dreamt about you, in my mind I fell asleep with you in my arms. In my mind I am sitting in a cafe, right across from you drinking tea. 

I prefer it to real life, by about an infinite percent. My friend came in and basically yelled at me to let him use my box, I told him to fuck off. I know I won’t be able to fall back asleep but I do hope to continue my dream tonight. Currently im trying to believe that you think i’m “stunning” it’s starting to work it’s way into my mind that i’m not ugly. 

Spencer, I love you.

You have such an effect on me, the first week we were together you weaseled your way into my mind. You sprouted a tree that is still a sapling but has rooted to the core of my mind, slipping into my heart and spreading through my limbs. You’re almost a drug (the only one I approve of).

You’re poison, searing through my veins and warning my skin. But you’re not toxic, you’re candy, sugary sweet, something tangible that almost floats in and out of existence.

If you are a God, I am your most loyal patron.

____

Time is meaningless but it goes so fast, only eight minutes left to talk then my day ends. So many more ‘I love you’s I could say.

But time will not permit our love, that’s fine, I’ll wait it out till the end. 

You’re worth it.

Seven Minutes 

____

You always deny that you’re adorable, and _that’s_ so adorable.

It’s frustrating sometimes because you’re so beautiful you deserve to know it. But oh well, i’ll just have to prove you are.

I told you I’d rather go on a date with you first before doing anything sexual. you also deserve to know your love is all I need, not your body (that’s just a perk)

You’re hot, sue me!

____

In the shower, I have most of my daydreams. Ranging from cotton candy clouds to a place where my parents accept me. However, the best daydream i’ve ever had is about a boy. A boy with chocolate brown eyes and a beautiful smile. Ding Ding Ding, his name is Spencer. 

My dream is about his last name, well it involves it. I imagine myself talking to him while I say an important speech, in front of a crowd of people. I’m talking about our relationship, about how much I love you, and how much I can’t wait for the next chapter of our life to start. I always tear up when everyone is quiet at the end, and then you say what you have to say. It’s fuzzy and I don’t remember any of it (kinda want you to make your own in the future) but after you say it. It's time.

You say two words, so low only I and the person standing next to us can hear, “I do”

That’s the best day dream I’ve ever had, because I know it won’t be just a dream (I hope)

____

The best part of my day is looking at any photos from you: they always make me smile. Even when my day has been utterly terrible, your bright eyes are always a light in the dark.

I often don’t even need to think about you to have your smile in my mind, it’s just there, like a constant bright sunshiny beam. A single thought about you makes my day, a single touch my year, remembering that you’re mine makes my life a whole much better.

You, make living better. 

I live for you, you’re all I ever want to have.

Je suis fou amoureux de toi.

____

So uh, you might have noticed but I don’t know how to talk to people, let alone talk to you.

It’s not that I have nothing to say, I have too much to say. It all bubbles in my mind and makes me jump on topic every three seconds. But when it comes to you, I'm stuck on which way to tell you I love you.

So, how about all of them?

I don’t need to focus on a single part of your face to know that it’s beautiful, but I do. All the parts work in harmony, like a choir. But individually they are still beautiful. I love every single inch of your face, individually and together.

I love you for your personality, I fell in love with a genius who is so much more than his memory or intelligence. Then I fell in love with a sweet boy who whined when I said self deprecating things. When we first met, I instantly fell in love again, with a shy boy who would look up at me from under his lashes.

Fuck, my mind is racing too much to distinguish anymore. But, I hoped I showed you.

That, I love you now, and forever will.

Happy Valentine’s day, my love. 

____

Happy anniversary, god I can’t believe it’s been five months already. It seems just yesterday I was crying over whether or not I should continue liking you (i had told myself I wasn’t good enough for you).

Well, turns out I was wrong. I’m just enough for you. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if you’ll ever leave me, well, it does, `but there’s something more important, you being loved and being happy is what matters. And I can’t wait to give you what matters.

I love you babe! I’ll try to write more to show it.

____

My mind is a cavern of echoes, words (well a _name)_ revertibrating in my skull. 

The things used to be about art, school, anything slightly important.

But now, it’s filled with the most important person in my life. Analyzing the color of his hair (a warm brown), thinking of his eyes, thinking of his name and my name with a change; Spencer Reid (and sometimes Y/n Reid) has taken over my mind and burrowed into my soul.

I think if the red string of fate was real then we’d have been connected when we first met. Fuck, we are connected.

If we weren’t why would I have fallen in love with you? It was fate that I sent a letter to a wrong address, fate that I stumbled upon the boy that would change my life for the better. 

Our souls are connected, being pulled because of the distance though, and I can’t wait to be with you. Not two halves of a whole, but two souls that fit like a puzzle piece. 

I love you, and you love me. Even though I'm a coward. 

When we have a daughter, her name should be Rhiannon. We will both dote on her like the goddess she is. Just a thought :>

____

You were in my house today. I think I'm dying, I'm wearing your sweater. It smells like you. I think you left it behind on purpose.

You smell really nice. It’s not like a cologne or anything, but it's nice. You’re nice

You kissed me. You’re a really good kisser. You should do it again and again and again.

I got the news yesterday, my transfer went in, I'm sending my letter to you tomorrow. I know you’re in my city but I'd rather it be like this. 

I don’t think i'm going to write any more, don’t think that means i don’t love you!! 

I am going to hold you for hours, I promise, I love you.

* * *

Spencer finished reading and smiled up at his new fiance. “We were such dorks! It's crazy how similar we thought.”

Y/n nodded and looked down at their ring. “Were were dorks in love! Um, so how _do_ you feel about the name Rhiannon?”

“It’s pretty, but I don’t think we need to be worrying about baby names - we need to figure out how to tell my team.” Spencer quipped, wrapping his arms around Y/n before it hit him.

Y/n’s morning sickness, the weird secretive doctors appointment, and what they had just said. “No!” he whispers, a smile growing on his face, “I’m gonna be a dad?”

They nod and bury their head into Spencer’s chest. Spencer can’t stop the smle that beams across his face. He grabs Y/n and spins them around in his arms, “This is the best news!!”

He pressed a deep kiss to Y/n’s lips, then went onto his knees to wrap his arms around Y/n. “Jason Derek Reid if it’s a boy and Rhiannon Penelope Reid if it’s a girl.”

Y/n smiles and nods, “I was thinking the same thing.”

“Let’s be on the same page, forever from now on, okay?”

They nodded, Spencer’s hands finding place on their back as he pressed his lips right below Y/n’s navel. Y/n’s hand’s dug into his hair: “Forever.”

Years later the two do indeed wake up on a Saturday morning to impatient kids who demand to be made pancakes. Sometimes after a hard case they do dance at three am in their underwear. Sometimes they do a lot of things in their underwear. They’re together in every way imaginable. 

And to them? It’s the most important thing that could ever be possible. 

_The End_

**Author's Note:**

> This story is my own. Not because I have written it, but because for a moment I lived it. I met the person i'd been dating in a convention hall, while playing DnD. He surprised me, and his love letters have been rewritten to fit Spencer's love.
> 
> What Y/n wrote is exactly what I wrote (with a few changes.) 
> 
> Our relationship did not have a happy end, and I am writing this to cope and give Y/n and Spencer the end I deserved. Please be kind, I have bared my soul to you.
> 
> Stay safe, drink water, I love you guys!


End file.
